Which Local Multiplayer Gamer Are You?
The eight painful characters who were there when gaming ruled the lounge.
It’s a question as old as time; Do you really know your friends until you all gather around the TV for some eight-player Micro Machines?
When local multiplayer ruled supreme and things got real on the gamepads, that’s when a person’s true character became visible. It was a mystical time when TV rooms housed a console-headed octopus that spread its controller-cable tentacles past beer bottles and ciggie packets to all corners of the lounge room. It was a time of war and if you talked too much smack you’d have to either double down or back down — no matter the consequences. And with a crew waiting beside you for their turn on the gamepads the winner-stays-on gameplay made gaming sessions tense.
Once the cartridge clicked or the disk spun a group of best friends would become mortal enemies and at the end of each controller, you’d be guaranteed to find one of these eight punishing, millennium-era characters.
1: The Cheap Shot
Hate them or hate them, you can’t deny the effectiveness of The Cheap Shot. Before the game is properly learned by all, The Cheap Shot finds one move that yields immediate results and just keeps doing it. A special leg kick that’s impossible to defend, a shortcut on the race track or a ball juggle as he runs downfield, that one move is all needs.
When asked how he’s doing it, he claims to not know, like it’s just somehow happening - over and over and over again. Threats of violence, gasps of frustration, thrown snack foods - nothing stops this monster and his one agonising move. Alongside The Trash Talk Tech, he’s the most punchable gamer in the room.
How to identify: Always first to read the game manual. Takes up a position to the side of the main sofa and keeps quiet while he goes about his dirty work.
Nemesis: The Golden Boy. He’ll be the first to find a counter for that cheap shot move.
2: The Work Horse
Orthodox in his play style and a keen student of any new game, The Work Horse is a slow-burning beast who just keeps improving. The nice guy of the group, he’ll take early losses with grace because his eye remains on the prize at the end - total domination.
When his period of laying dormant is over, he’ll even have a little trash talk saved up. So burn him at your peril. Anyone want another beer? The Work Horse will grab it for you, and two hours from now he’ll take your dignity too as he knocks you off the gamepad every time.
How to identify: When everyone else takes a break he gets in some quick 1-player. Probably still wearing his work clothes.
Nemesis: The Complainer.
3: The Golden Boy
He doesn’t try, he doesn’t even really care, but the wins just keep coming. A generator of disbelief and frustration, the Golden Boy doesn’t need to learn the buttons for the new game, his golden hands just mysteriously know them. When a level needs to be cracked or a player unlocked, it’s the Golden Boy’s time to shine. Never play turn-based multiplayer games with him because he’s always distracted, on the phone with a girl, outside smoking or has simply vanished. As is his legend.
How to identify: He’s a handsome devil, and has those new kicks everyone wants, they’re already scuffed. Most likely to bring a romantic interest to the gaming session, who is still willing to be with him after.
Nemesis: The Stoner. When The Stoner is recruiting, the Golden Boy is volunteering and that smoke is kryptonite to his game play.
4: The Cheater
The good thing about video games is you can’t cheat. Well, it turns out you can and the cheater knows how. The slow walk in front of the screen mid-game, a perfectly-timed elbow to your ribs on the couch, pause button miss-push - The Cheater has his moves.
An unfortunate man of many accidents; When your controller became unplugged it was accidental. When he told you that you were on the bottom of the split screen and you were up top? A mere mistake. The weakness of The Cheater is that his moves get stale and soon enough are easily avoided or countered. Done well, this relegates this villain to a low/mid-placed player in the gaming group.
How to identify: Body odour, his musk proceeds him, his moves stink and so do his pits. Always trying to talk the others into using cheat codes.
Nemesis: The Cheap Shot, these bad boys are best mates but once they’ve both been nullified, they become staunch enemies to stay on the gamepads.
5: The Complainer
His controller always has a problem with it, and it’s not even the Mad Catz. He demands a restart a few seconds into the race, he can’t see because of screen glare, it’s too hot in here, he doesn’t like this brand of lager, the lager isn’t cold enough… the whinging has no boundaries for this man-baby.
But when the complaining stops, exercise caution because The Complainer can play, he just loves a pile of excuses when he loses. If he’s on top, he’ll complain that no one can challenge him.
How to identify: Constantly asks what the buttons are, and complains about their position. If you’re thinking your gaming group didn’t have a complainer, you were probably it.
Nemesis: Anyone he can complain about.
6: The Stoner
The Stoner is erratic, his play is abysmal, he’s dazed and easily confused. But when he gets in his special zone - he’s throwing out ten types of smoke and becomes unstoppable. Luckily, this performance-drug-enhanced zone is temporary and usually undone by his desire to order takeaways or commence a second smoking session. Then, with an unbalanced dosage, he returns to a lower position in the ranks.
How to identify: An organic aroma. He needs to be seated beside The Cheater so he can work like incense and their smells cancel each other out, because no one’s opened a window in the gaming pit for about a year.
Nemesis: The Work Horse. Both are slow burners and often hit their stride at the same time albeit from different means.
7: The Trash Talk Tech
A true trash-talk technician doesn’t just have the zingers, he’s got the timing too, and that’s what causes problems in a group gaming situation. You’re deep in concentration, the moment is clutch and he’ll seek you out. Jokes about your many failings, your girlfriend, your mum, nothing is off limits.
The game on the screen isn’t the game he’s there to play, and what’s worst is your options are few; Engage and risk serious distraction, or maintain focus while feeling the burn. Every group has a Trash Talk Tech in their ranks and, at times, escalation to the physical is inevitable.
How to identify: Difficult to spot before he opens his mouth. Possibly barefoot. Usually a weaker player so spends serious time off the game pads.
Nemesis: The Golden Boy. The only thing that shuts down the Trash Talk Tech is being beaten ice cold, that’s where The Golden Boy shines.
8: The Girl
Her origin in the group is mysterious, her attendance sporadic, everyone thinks they have a chance with her, but no one does. The gaming session is never her whole night and she usually puts off meeting her real friends by an extra hour so she can keep playing. There’s always speculation after she leaves over who she likes and why she’s there. The truth is she likes the games, the energy, and just kicking some nerd butt. If approached correctly she may even offer valuable advice on attracting girls, like to stop wearing track pants and referring to women as females.
How to identify: Breasts. Feels no pressure to laugh at idiotic jokes.
Nemesis: The Trash Talk Technician, because he once told her that she was pretty good… for a female.
And that, friends, is all our lounge room characters. Their personalities transformed by the controller in hand and exposed under the glow of a CRT. Right now you’re leaning back righteously thinking, “But I’m none of those.”.
Newsflash, cartridge blower — you were at least a couple of them.
The mortal combat infinite sweep spam flashbacks i just had.
Look ma, I'm in a taxonomy! I was the guy who went for slaps instead of combos in Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 — whether that makes me The Work Horse or The Cheap Shot (or just "The Gigantic Bastard") is in the eye of the beholder.